For $100,000 you too could look like a supermodel cat. I better get a savings account with a higher interest rate. Im trying to set goals people.. Sue me!
Mar11
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Mar9
My Addiction is Better Than Your Addiction II
It’s a monkey, no it’s a cat, no it’s .. A girl with Tanorexia! It must be awful to wear one’s addiction like a badge of honor. Even at my worst, I still looked like the girl next door who loans you sugar or walks your dog when you take a vacation. It’s obvious this girl needs serious help -yesterday! I wonder which as a higher chance of recovery, the girl with the addiction that the average joe can’t spot or the one screaming for help?
Someone get this girl under a shade tree!!
Mar9
Departing with the past
I wrote about this in my diary exactly one year ago..when I was still heavily using. The following situation I encountered changed my life forever
As I departed from that run down crack motel room where an innocent babygirl lay asleep on a couch with her addicted mother.. A jacket .. The only baby blanket she’d ever known covering them Both …that picture eternally etched in my soul .. this cant have been for nothing .. All the time ive abandoned in fantasy land .. Cant be wasted on a life without purpose .. But I wasn’t just thinking for me.. I felt this strength and confidence .. A flood of reality in the depths of anything but.. .. Truth is I want to make my mark on the world .. For the struggle ..The permanent wounds.. The daily battle .. cannot have just been for fun..
Mar8
How to get over a guy in 10 years?
I know I said I’d post an entry daily. I’ll expand on this post further tomorrow. Im 3 yawns away from REM status.. I would like to discuss how feelings, good, bad and indifferent flood to the
Forefront during “recovery” .. I hate that word I’m too tired to think of a different one. When I’m getting high I hardly think of my ex boyfriend. Pipe goes down and it’s all I can think about. I’m sure obsession is a transference.. Not to mention the authenticity of emotion when sobriety is a reality and not a birthday wish. Yawn yawn yawn. More
Tomorrow.
Mar7
My Addiction is better than your addiction! Ha!
Just when I wanna throw in the towel .. I see this rather whale like, yet tenderly sweet woman sitting next to a gigantore plate of 3 dozen cookies..Where I would kick myself for having 1.. she can’t put them down.. I’m sure she’d roll her eyes when at the peak of my destruction I consumed 3 dozen pills a day.. As much as I wanna roll on the floor laughing.. I am no better than her and vice versa.. although we all need a belly laugh every now and then (no pun intended)
The woman is Lisa Sellers, once featured in a TLC episode called I eat 33,000 Calories a Day.
Mar5
What Will Become of Her?
Hello!
OK. I have been a total Blog failure.. As you can see my first post was quite awhile ago.. Since I have a problem with follow through I am committing myself, rain or shine, stubbed toe to grand enlightenment to post something everyday.
Per my OG post, I was struggling with drug abuse.. shit, what’s new? I always will be, right? Today I am chemically sober.. Woo Hoo.. On February 8th I got home from a 3-day escape mission.. I was off getting high, and spending every last nickel of my friggen unemployment check on a slot machine that made me her bitch. As I crawled up the hill in my lil Toyota Camry, a lump grew stronger in my throat, my foot hit for the accelorator faster, my soul came out thru my drug induced haze to smack myself over the head..”What the fuck are you doing?” My soul self screamed to the wasted blond in the drivers seat. As cliche as it sounds I had an out of body smack down.. My 30th birthday was a month behind me. I had promised myself months before that dreadful day appeared that I would never take a hit of a pipe or down another pill cuz 30 is like .. really what the fuck .. time to grow up.. As that day passed I fed the addiction more to try and escape the fact that even though I may be uniquely talented and smart and pretty, I was also uniquely being a big fat fuck up… The stubborn bitch within me and the lil douchbag bopping me on the head decided enough was enough.. I quickly did my 3 point turn and parked my car at the usual place; this time, I wasn’t in my usual state, and neither was that sunrise; full of crimsons and blue shadows of dawn. I whipped out my best friend (my iphone 4s), tears streaming down my face, mascara and clumped eyeliner raced to my neck.. well at least I looked the part now of the junkie.. I wrote this
A breath away from being hallow
A dosage away from no more sorrow
An empty bed, a lonely heart, a restless sabatour
What will become of her?
Stay tuned
This is exactly how I looked when I had my "aha" moment. ::As If::
Aug26
Stuck on the bathroom floor…
Not sure the direction of this blog as of yet. I thought about making this blog an anonymous Pandora’s box where I would vent all of my deep, dark, dirty secrets.. then I thought.. well, if I feel like I need a place to really be ME.. I bet there are plenty more who feel the same as I know I am not unique in my struggle for the quest of complete and utter happiness .. Without being prescribed by a doctor or smoked for breakfast..
Yes, I am a drug addict! I struggle daily with this disease.. and find myself outcast from my social circles at times because addiction is viewed as weakness, lack of moral character, lack of control, spiritless,, yada yada.. I’ve heard it all.. Therefore.. if/when I find I am struggling most with drugs or issues in life, .. the time when friends really count.. I instead find myself withdrawn and alone for fear that I may lose a friend or be judged and ridiculed.. It’s quite a perplexing spot to find yourself… Alone.. Silenced with inner dialogue on full blast.. any communication had is of superficial importance at best and is so faked and scripted that a robot with the proper speech patterns down could have had that “deep conversation” for you..
So, even though I have people and loved ones in my life I feel more alone than Tom Hanks’ character from Castaway.. was that the name of the movie?
Addiction isn’t my only claim to fame.. I ‘m from LA… and in LA one-upmanship is a common practice so I will list out a few more of my flaws, fears, oddities, quirks and bad habits.
- Born and raised in Los Angeles
- One of 3 – each with different dads, of different ethnicities .. I’m, the
only whitey
- I look like the girl next door… well probably hotter than her .. Looks can be deceiving
- Almost 30 – look 20 – have no prospects on a man, career or children
- I was a child actress as is everyone else in LA
- I can sing Broadway, jazz and soul .. it is my deepest passion yet my biggest fear..
- Still not over ex boyfriend.. from 4 years ago
- ‘I’ve only been “gay” for pay.. I moonlit as a hooker for a few months in my mid twenties..
- I’ve been to jail 3 times.. but never county jail..
- One of My best friends .. is a sociopathic, transsexual, hooker/pornstar ..
- Worked for Heidi Fleiss.. (not like that) in a retail store she owns.. it lasted a week.. she’s INSANE!
- One day hope to wake up and have the whole world figured out.. I’d be happy just to figure myself out..
Please feel free to email me with suggestions or comments at Stellarena@live.com.
whatsherbox 