Tag Archives: drugs

May7

90 Days Clean

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Today marks 90 days clean and sober.. oh and 3 days without cigarettes. All I need to do is take up the lord and I’ll be totally reformed..

I’m still feeling pretty shitty from the Chantix, but since I they are helping me to quit smoking I figure the side effects are worth it.

Side effects include: sleeping all day, terrible nausea, crazy nightmares, constipation, lack of focus, lost the  urge to write.. But it beats lung cancer I guess..

I can’t be certain about the future, but I really have the strongest convictions I’ve ever had about being sober. I think it will stick this time.

I am going to start lowering my dose of Chantix tomorrow and I’m hoping I can get back to writing and being somewhat alert through the day.

Wish me luck!

Mar7

My Addiction is better than your addiction! Ha!

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Just when I wanna throw in the towel .. I see this rather whale like, yet tenderly sweet woman sitting next to a gigantore plate of 3 dozen cookies..Where I would kick myself for having 1.. she can’t put them down.. I’m sure she’d roll her eyes when  at the peak of my destruction  I consumed 3 dozen pills a day.. As much as I wanna roll on the floor laughing.. I am no better than her and vice versa.. although we all need a belly laugh every now and then (no pun intended)

The woman is Lisa Sellers, once featured in a TLC episode called I eat 33,000 Calories a Day.Image

Aug26

Stuck on the bathroom floor…

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bath2

Not sure the direction of this blog as of yet. I thought about making this blog an anonymous Pandora’s box  where I would vent all of my deep, dark, dirty secrets.. then I thought.. well, if I feel like I need a place to really be ME.. I bet there are plenty more who feel the same as I know I am not unique in my struggle for the quest of complete and utter happiness .. Without being prescribed by a doctor or smoked for breakfast..

Yes, I am a drug addict! I struggle daily with this disease.. and find myself outcast from my social circles at times because addiction is viewed as weakness, lack of moral character, lack of control, spiritless,, yada yada.. I’ve heard it all.. Therefore.. if/when I find I am struggling most with drugs or issues in life, .. the time when friends really count.. I instead find myself withdrawn and alone for fear that I may lose a friend or be judged and ridiculed.. It’s quite a perplexing spot to find yourself… Alone.. Silenced with inner dialogue on full blast.. any communication had is of superficial importance at best and is so faked and scripted that a robot with the proper speech patterns down could have had that “deep conversation” for you..

So, even though I have people and loved ones in my life I feel more alone than Tom Hanks’ character from Castaway.. was that the name of the movie?

Addiction isn’t my only claim to fame.. I ‘m from LA… and in LA one-upmanship is a common practice so I will list out a few more of my flaws, fears, oddities, quirks and bad habits.

  • Born and raised in Los Angeles
  • One of 3 – each with different dads, of different ethnicities .. I’m, the
    only whitey
  • I look like the girl next door… well probably hotter than her .. Looks can be deceiving
  • Almost 30 – look 20 – have no prospects on a man, career or children
  • I was a child actress as is everyone else in LA
  • I can sing Broadway, jazz and soul .. it is my deepest passion yet my biggest fear..
  • Still not over ex boyfriend.. from 4 years ago
  • ‘I’ve only been “gay” for pay.. I moonlit as a hooker for a few months in my mid twenties..
  • I’ve been to jail 3 times.. but never county jail..
  • One of My best friends .. is a sociopathic, transsexual, hooker/pornstar ..
  • Worked for Heidi Fleiss.. (not like that) in a retail store she owns.. it lasted a week.. she’s INSANE!
  • One day hope to wake up and have the whole world figured out.. I’d be happy just to figure myself out..

Please feel free to email me with suggestions or comments at Stellarena@live.com.