Tag Archives: methamphetamine

90 Days Clean

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Today marks 90 days clean and sober.. oh and 3 days without cigarettes. All I need to do is take up the lord and I’ll be totally reformed..

I’m still feeling pretty shitty from the Chantix, but since I they are helping me to quit smoking I figure the side effects are worth it.

Side effects include: sleeping all day, terrible nausea, crazy nightmares, constipation, lack of focus, lost the  urge to write.. But it beats lung cancer I guess..

I can’t be certain about the future, but I really have the strongest convictions I’ve ever had about being sober. I think it will stick this time.

I am going to start lowering my dose of Chantix tomorrow and I’m hoping I can get back to writing and being somewhat alert through the day.

Wish me luck!

Too Good To Be True (Mask Of Sanity II)

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I met him the day after I got that fateful phone call from Crystal. Crystal and I spent that morning doing rails of meth and watching the sun rise while listening to Dashboard Confessionals “Hands Down” on repeat. I decided to go home and get that break up letter out to Jason. Now that I was high, I really could give less than a fuck about where my relationship with Jason ended up. Wow, this feeling was awesome. I felt completely invincible, numb to any pain, grandiose in thought and perception. I felt like I could take over the world… Little did I know all of those feelings morph into hate and self-loathing within a week of doing meth fulltime. I got to my house at 2pm. Crystal stayed at her place. She was entertaining a gentleman caller. Another reason why I left. For some reason, which fails my memory now, we decided to trade cars that day. I had a Toyota Four-Runner, she had a Chevy Silverado.. After I finished typing the letter, but before sending it, my sister Sloan called. Did she have this sixth sense that I was high? She wanted to know if I could take her to her boyfriend Randy’s storage place to pick up some of her things. She then proceeded to tell me that Randy had been taken into custody that day to start his 10 year prison sentence for manufacturing and sales of Methamphetamine. We knew this day had been coming for quite some time. I never gave it more than a fleeting thought since her world did not mix with mine. I found her world to be ridiculous; meth heads, doing what they could to get high. None of her friends had any teeth or appropriate body hygiene. I let go of caring so long before that nothing was different about Randy going away. But this was my sister whom no matter what I’ve always adored and of course I was going to go help her.

Randy had a condo in Sun Valley (the worse enclave of the valley). Sun Valley is not very big but it houses all the popular gangs from The Valley. Even though parts of Sun Valley are a stone’s throw from Burbank’s outskirts, it might as well be a separate country. It’s common in Sun Valley to see a helpless animal being thrown out of a slow moving van, like a piece of trash. That would get you thrown in Jail in Burbank. Sun Valley, the quintessential Barrio. You will never hear two little girls planning their futures dreaming of the day they have matching houses, husbands and kids in Sun Valley. No one ever strives to move to Sun Valley; they only strive to one day get away.

I logged off my computer without sending the email. Fuck Jason, I thought. I took the 5 fwy north 5 exits to get to Randy’s condo. I locked my door as soon as I hit the fwy exit. It took me quite a while to find safe parking; parking within running distance to wherever one planned on going. I got to the safety gate of Randy’s condo and knocked politely. I found it quite odd that on the only window to the outside world were three not conspicuously placed security cameras. They were placed to the window with white painter’s tape. Finally my sister opened the door. The smoke that billowed out the front door did not smell like cigarettes. She quickly let me in and slammed the door shut and locked it. She explained how the HOA was trying to evict them for having too much traffic .. I couldn’t imagine why.

Once inside, I wondered what the heck they needed security camera’s for as there was really nothing of value inside. Yes, there was plenty of stuff; there was hardly a place to sit as there were plenty of broken stereos and cameras and various knick knacks. I peered into the kitchen and wondered how anyone ever cooked a meal in this place as the kitchen looked more like a storage room. The kitchen had a minor difference from the “living room”; The kitchen had a bee infestation coming from the vents over the stove. Honey dripped freely from every opening in the kitchen. What was this place? I guess this is what they call a tweak den.

There were about 5 greasy looking fellows sitting in a circle with my sister as I entered the living room. They were passing around the pipe. One of those guys kindly gave up his seat for me; a torn couch cushion on top of a termite infested desk. As I crouched over it like a public bathroom toilet, I looked up immediately in front of me and noticed 3 monitors stacked one on top of the other monitoring the front door. That’s quite fancy, I thought. Now that I was technically in the circle, I asked my sister if I could take a hit. We had never smoked together, but she knew I had been partying weekends with Crystal. She raised her voice slightly in a harsh tone not to shoot down my request but to tell me, I was breaking the rotation and I needed to wait my turn. That was my very first lesson on how to be a proper tweaker. I took a mental note. I felt embarrassed that I had asked too soon. I wasn’t trying to take someone’s turn away from them, it was an honest mistake. I knew this was her world and if I wanted to impress her among her people, I better follow her que and not look like I’m a sheltered little Burbank girl. I felt as though I needed to portray an air of street saaviness like her. I had so much more to learn.

After we finished smoking, and were just about ready to leave to get her things out of storage in walked “Crooked”. He was nothing like the 5 gentleman that we had just gotten high with. He had a cocksure, yet sensitive attitude. He wasn’t bad looking either. Not my type, I thought. He was tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes and tan skin. Some might mistake him for gay due to his flamboyant gestures .. Well that was kind of my type. I have always dated pretty boys that could pass for gay or straight. Put them in a gay pride parade and no one would be the wiser. Put him in a rodeo as a cowboy. Well, then they’d just look really gay.. Once I got a closer look at him though I realized he was fairly weathered around the edges. Crooked was extremely charming right from the first hello. We left Crooked there to “clean house”. Apparently he was there to get rid of all the moocher’s that happened to take up residence in this godforsaken hell hole. We told him we’d be back in an hour.

As we walked to Crystal’s truck, Sloan pointed out Crooked’s vehicle. It was a fairly new looking Corvette. Certainly not like her other friends who either had no ride or a car that just as easy could be junked for $50. She then went on to tell me how that Crooked was Randy’s best friend. He worked as a foreman for a masonry company, he owned a house in Santa Clarita, a fairly nice suburb 20 minutes north of Los Angeles. She had only known him personally for 2 weeks as he had just gotten out of doing a 10 year prison sentence not long before she met him. All that she told me about him only piqued my curiosity further. My sister had been in this game for over 10 years at that point and all of her “friends” were certainly not the type you could take to a Sunday meal with the family. Crooked was.

We got back to Randy’s and the place seemed a lot quieter. I guess he did unload all of the crumb bums while we were gone. Of course, a bad boy is always appealing to a girl with daddy issues. Before Randy went to prison to start his sentence he anointed my sister and Crooked to be the caretakers of his Casa de Tweak-dome, and his business if they chose. Mainly, Randy just needed someone who would keep the riff raff out and keep the mortgage paid on his place up so that he’d have something to call home when he got out. Sloan and Crooked agreed.

Once inside the palace of tweak-dome Sloan went immediately to her computer. My sister and I are quite opposite in regards to personality and social attributes. Sloan’s mind is more scientific and she’d much rather spend her time fixing or making something. I, myself have always been too dependent on the nature’s of humanity and would much rather have deep conversation with an interesting person. Crooked was the same way. Or, he showed himself to be the same as me. The first day I was there we talked about everything.. I mean everything.. From family to religious to political values, to our failed relationships, to street ethics, to cooking to the art of prostitution.. Nothing was exempt. It was interesting how much of the same views we shared. I would find out later that it was all a con game, but for now I was learning the hard lessons, remember? It had been a long time, if ever, that I had a conversation like that much less with someone who shared identical views on the world. Too good to be true?

Before I knew it it was midnight. We had yet to have a lull in conversation. I hadn’t even heard from Crystal all day. I wondered how things were going with the guy she was with. I decided I better get her truck back to her so we could exchange vehicles. Crooked, offered to drive us since it was getting late. He seemed like such a protective and loyal friend. We let him drive.

The police immediately took notice of Crystal’s truck when it exited Burbank Blvd. After all it was midnight in Burbank and even though Burbank is a suburb next-door to LA, it might as well be a small Midwestern town where the streets roll up soon after night falls. Before we could get to the first intersection there were two cops following us. They let us sweaty palm it a mile before they flipped the lights on. As Crooked pulled over he said “ok girls, if you have anything on you now is the time to hand it over.” We didn’t, but the offer was not lost with me. This guy hardly knows us, is on parole, and if he violates one more time he’s back in for 25-life. Too good to be true?

It turned out Crystal’s gentleman caller was no gentleman at all and was actually a 17 year old boy with a very over protective father who had called the police department reporting his child missing, yet suspected to be with Crystal. The Burbank cops are great that way. They will put an APB out on a vehicle of a woman who might be housing a boy under 18 in their rooms. In LA that would NEVER happen. It was a scary experience. My first non-traffic violation encounter with the police. I remember crying on the sidewalk as they did a thorough search of her truck and interrogated us about Crystal and this kid she was screwing. I didn’t know then this was a preview of things to come. I was trying to learn fast.

After the police let us go, we practically flew out of Burbank back to good old Sun Valley, where cops don’t look at you cross ways for being on the streets after midnight. I had already had a take your child to work day with my sister.. You’d think I’d want to politely say my goodbyes and go back to my quaint, easy, crime free existence in Burbank. As I sat on the make shift couch I kept picturing myself bolting for the door, but something about that environment was sucking me in like a vacuum. Like a magnet pushing me further away from my current existence. Aside from almost going to jail, I was having a blast. Plus, this was the first time in our lives that my sister and I were on the same level. I felt like we were sisters again. Man, I had missed her so much.

Also, I had just met a really cool friend. By days end, Crooked had showed that he was a loyal friend, especially to those in need. Above all, he was willing to take a drug rap, which meant his going back to prison for life. He showed himself to be a successful person in regard to his career and his owning his own home. He showed himself to be a great communicator, he showed himself to really take a passionate interest in my life. At the time, I can’t say I had romantic feelings for him, but I was certainly intrigued by this enigma within the tweaker circle. So, I ended up staying, and staying and staying until it was far too late.

My curiosity and his mask of Sanity would prove a dangerous combination. By summer’s end, He would take off that mask and become the most toxic entity to infiltrate into my life and my family’s life. He would turn my sister and me from best friends to arch enemies. He would get his hands on a lot of my family’s money. He would lie and cheat and mislead with every attempt of destroying me. He tried. He didn’t. I learned from Crooked. Above all, he has taught me to never take anyone at face value. I will be writing more in depth on this character as my chapters unfold. I haven’t even touched the surface.

She’s Leaving Home..

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It was a breezy summer evening in Burbank in 2004. Even though it was well after dark there was an orangish glow that permeated the night’s sky. I stood at the doorway of my room admiring the paintings and knick knacks that Olive had recently helped decorate my room with. I loved my room; I had a super high canopy bed, freshly painted purple walls and newly refinished hardwood floors I had done all by myself. Olive had helped with the finishing touches of picture placements and decorative knacks. No matter what kind of day I was having I could put on Celine Dion or Luther Vandross hop onto my bed, grab my diary, vent any frustrations about life and turn off the light to a restful night’s sleep. It’s funny the things one takes for granted.  How was I to know that that would be the last night I would spend in my room?

After changing into my nightgown, I put on Celine Dion opened my diary to vent about “Jason” my boyfriend, who the night before had made a scene at my friend Crystal’s when he woke up the neighborhood zooming over on his motorcycle to bust his way in to try and get to my purse to gain access to my pills. I could tell he was high on coke, even though he never took his helmet off, I didn’t need to see his eyes to know he was in an altered state. After 10 minutes of calling me derogatory names like cunt, fiend, junkie, whore (pot calling kettle black), I still gave him half of my pills (at least 10). I guess he wanted them all. Crystal had heard enough and literally physically removed him from my face“get the fuck out of here. Don’t you ever talk to my friend that way.” He saw that she was serious and turned the tables trying to “warn” her about what a “con artist” I was (classic!)   “She owes me these pills, Crystal; this is not your business.  “Vanessa is my business, and you will not stand in my house and disrespect her” At one point he even yanked at my foot, pulling me off the bed. Wow, I had never seen him this ugly before. It scared me.  His acting physical toward me sent Crystal into a tailspin and at this point had him by the arm and ushered him out. After he left, I was glad. I’m sure if Crystal had not been there I would’ve ended up giving him everything and would’ve endured a 3 hour rant. I was glad her strength overcame my weakness and she was able to handle a situation for me that I had already spent four years living. 2 of those playing this drug dance. Crystal and I talked the whole night about it. After many words of encouragement, she convinced me I was better than this. It’s hard seeing the mess you are in until a caring friend holds up a mirror. sadly, this was becoming my normal and she pointed out all the ways it had broken me down. She was right. I decided that the next day I was going to send him an email voicing my concerns and breaking things off once and for all. In my diary, that night, I wrote a sample letter, wanting to give it a night to sleep on before sending him an email. I had already become numb to this drama in so many ways that I don’t remember feeling sad… I was almost relieved.

I closed my Diary, turned Celine off and attempted to go to sleep. I tossed and turned. I would be lying to say that my relationship and the end coming near were not wearing on me, but it wasn’t what was keeping me awake. Was there a part of me that knew I would be in the streets for the next 2.5 years chasing my addictions?  How could I know that that was the last night I would spend in my quiet sanctuary before taking off into the cold and unforgiving streets of Methamphetamine? I laid awake looking at the full moon. Maybe that’s why I am so restless, I thought. Around 3am, still awake, Crystal called my cell, I answered the first ring. “Hey, Fred (nickname), I’m in front of your house. I’ve got some “la la” and John from down the street with me? Let’s go for a drive”.  I was awake already, why not? We had binged the weekend before. It’s just one night, right? I grabbed my purse and a change of clothes and quietly crept out of my childhood home..  and into a world that would take me further away from the innocence and carefree existence I enjoyed in that home each day that I was gone… I would never know home like that again.

To be continued.

Will continue this chapter tomorrow..

 

The Good Girl

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It was Easter Sunday. My mom had an idea. “Why don’t we go to Hallmark and get your sister some cards and gifts.” We hadn’t heard from my sister “Sloan” in weeks. For all we knew we could be delivering these gifts to a headstone.. I’m sure the thought ran through all of our minds as my mom, brother and I loaded into the family van to take a family field trip minus one.

We got to the  parking lot at Hallmark. I remember the sun was so pure and brilliant as it shown down on the reborn spring flowers. It was the kind of day in LA that lets you know why the real estate was obscenely high for days like this are priceless. So why weren’t we happy or enjoying Easter Morning?

This was the 3rd Easter we spent minus one family member after Sloan’s addiction to speed had ravaged her body, mind and spirit. We spent 3 years on egg shells on pins and needles fearing but expecting a middle of the night call asking us to identify a body or a knock at the door from a Burbank cop asking if we knew where our family member was. It was the 3rd year that on a nightly basis my desperate mom and I would cruise the streets looking for her car, only to pull into our driveway at home with tears drowning us out of the vehicle. We never knew where she was. Anytime she did come home she’d validate or surpass our deepest fears.  The ghost of Sloan would enter the house always 10 pounds thinner than the last time, more hollow in spirit and presence, more depleted in looks and vibrancy. Where did she go? When or if will she ever come home?

Before she got abducted by her drug of choice she was the good girl, the best really. I was always kind of jealous at how much my mom would brag about her daughter.  Her daughter with the genius IQ, the girl so beautiful that every modeling agency in LA clambered to sign her. Her daughter, the most popular girl in school, which was a hard feat for a bi-racial girl in Burbank of all places. Her daughter, ASB president, yearbook president, “the girl that will cure the AIDS virus one day. Her daughter, my sister destroyed to pieces by a drug called methamphetamine.

I remember feeling hopeful when we entered the Hallmark store. Maybe if we say the right thing or maybe if she likes the gifts we give her she will choose us, not it. I walked to the sister/well wishes/get well aisle I looked through every card three times. We had to get this right. This had to wake her up. I found the card. A picture of sister’s in black and white holding hands, looking adoringly into each other’s eyes as they skipped through the park.

We took the cards back to the car so we could write our heartfelt message; the message that would let the light shine in. I wanted to say the perfect thing. I told her how much I loved her and how much I would be there for her if she would just come back home with us and get sober. I knew this would work this time.  I pictured her opening the cards and gifts, having a moment of epiphany, smiling, apologizing, then taking my hand and letting go off the death grip her addiction had on her. Did she know how much she’s missed?

I walked to the door with a smile on my face. Maybe that sun was shining on us that day too.  I suppose I really got my hopes up too high. My wishes that Easter Sunday did not come true. After we banged on the door for, it seemed like a lifetime, to the house she inhabited that week, my sister with a blanket draped over her shoulders answered the door. She’s alive. She seemed irritated and violated. Why didn’t you guys call first? She still hadn’t read my card yet, it wasn’t too late for a happy ending. We followed her back to this room… she fell onto it and started snoring before we could close the door. My mom kept gently budging her, she patted her leg, the way you pat a baby’s back that is crying or fussy. Sweety, we have some things to give you. She opened one eye and managed to sit erect on the bed. God, she looked worse than I’d ever seen her. Is this what they call rock bottom? She read each card and politely smiled at each one as if she was opening an ugly sweater on Christmas morning. Next was mine. She neatly opened the yellow envelope with balloon and hearts drawn I’d drawn on it. I was 14 after all. I watched her eyes as they tracked the words I had written. When she closed the card, She gave me a heartless shoulder hug and fell back into a deep sleep. We left to spend another Easter minus 1.  What else was there to do?